I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
