complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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