just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
