Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
