she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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