idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
