I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
