Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
