Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
