Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
