I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
