My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I love you. Go after that dick
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
