I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
