between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
