I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
