Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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