wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
