Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
