I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
