I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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