You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
