At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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