Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
