Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
