I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
