You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
