omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
