Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
