nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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