Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
