Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
