You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
