Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
