I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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