Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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