Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
