I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
