Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Can I color on your dick again?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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