Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
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I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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