I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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