Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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