I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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