Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
