The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
God, I missed his penis.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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