I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
