i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
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