I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
