My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
