Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
