3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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