If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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