one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm always down for nudity.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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