she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
