I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
