You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
