Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
