I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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