i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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